him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.