*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
these two trucks have the same bed length
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
lol
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.