After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane