7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you鈥檙e fast as hell.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Someone in my daughter鈥檚 class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine鈥檚 Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 馃お
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I鈥檓 going to let you off with a warning
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My new favorite headline
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk鈥檇.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?