Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.