My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You Might Also Like
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
don’t we all
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Happy Star Wars day!