Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
i baked you a cake
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog