Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
same vibe as tangled headphones
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”