IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
An odd boast
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.