I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Look at this
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*