They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
You Might Also Like
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.