Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
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People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Spotted in New Orleans.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The struggle is real.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.