My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.