Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.