You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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This will never not be funny to me.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Breaking news:
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle