True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
You Might Also Like
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.