i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”