[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
this is the greatest thing ever
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake