Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Trumpy Cat
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
The struggle is real.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Twitter is an abusement park.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu