If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before