It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”