My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Finished stitching this today 😇
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.