*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!