Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
bought wrong eggs
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs