Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
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Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Sell your car
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*