this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
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latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.