Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
You Might Also Like
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.