Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Aaaa…CHOO!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?