I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
SF is the wild wild west man
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Y’all know who you are.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“what that mouth do?” complain
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.