I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Baller is short for ballerina
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles