[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy