A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
You Might Also Like
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
wtf management?!
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes