I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Mad Max: Furry Road
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?