kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
what are they serving at kfc then???
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.