Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.