Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?