Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
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[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
the answer was staring at me all along