Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”