At least try to make it slightly believable
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does