Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Baller is short for ballerina
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
This pepper has seen some shit
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Milk Cube
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
just having fun
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit