Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
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doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons