If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
ugh not again
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
WHO DID THIS?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.