I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Personal question. #JustSaying
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him