Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
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Found my door mat
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”