I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem