the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.