She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
When someone trying to leave me
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.