The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.