My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Software Development ⛵️
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Godzilla was the first house flipper.