While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.